Kiwi, a lyrical analysis from Harry Styles the album

Kiwi, Song Meaning and Lyrical Interpretation

Similar to my last post, the lyrical analysis of Only Angel, Kiwi continues the rock and roll trope of singing about a cool, bad girl.

She worked her way through a cheap pack of cigarettes
Hard liquor mixed with a bit of intellect
And all the boys, they were saying they were into it
Such a pretty face, on a pretty neck

I always wondered why Harry deliberately decided to point at her neck. My best guess is that maybe he is excited to kiss her neck which is a sexy make out tradition.

She's driving me crazy,
but I'm into it, but I'm into it
I'm kinda into it It's getting crazy,
I think I'm losing it,
I think I'm losing it
I think she said "I'm having your baby, it's none of your business"
"I'm having your baby, it's none of your business"
"I'm having your baby, it's none of your business"
"I'm having your baby, it's none of your, it's none of your"

I know Harry Styles would never shade his boys from One Direction, but these lines always remind me of Louis and Liam who are already fathers at such an early age.  However, I think Harry is just trying to depict this girl as crazy but also bad and exciting. He's into it which is strange because a girl who wants to have your baby just for money and fame is a huge red flag.

It's New York, baby, always jacked up
Holland Tunnel for a nose, it's always backed up
When she's alone, she goes home to a cactus
In a black dress, she's such a such an actress

Her nose being backed up means she is doing cocaine. Once again, she is exciting in a bad way. "Goes home to a cactus" can mean going home to a prick- i.e that her current boyfriend is a prick.

The New York line and the black dress line reminds me of Taylor Swift; Taylor and Harry used to hang out in NYC a lot AND Taylor mentions a black dress in So It Goes. 👀 Sorry, that's just a thought I had because I was just listening to So It Goes a few minutes earlier.

The "she's such an actress," might not mean she is ACTUALLY an actress. Maybe she is just extra and dramatic.

She sits beside me like a silhouette
Hard candy dripping on me 'til my feet are wet
And now she's all over me, it's like I paid for it
It's like I paid for it, I'm gonna pay for this

I have already reacted to this line here.

Kiwi is a damn good song (even better in concert). I love the Rock and Roll vibes and the exciting-in-a-bad-way subject matter.

Why Did Harry Styles Name The Song Kiwi

I'm not sure but maybe the Hard Candy he mentioned above was Kiwi flavored. Take that for what you will 😉.

Previous Lyrical Analysis	All Harry Styles Analysis	Next Lyrical Analysis
Only Angel	Harry Styles Lyrical Analysis Masterpost	Ever Since New York

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Only Angel, a lyrical analysis from Harry Styles the album

Only Angel, Song Meaning and Lyrical Interpretation

Only Angel starts off sweet and slow musically and then kicks off with some intense Rock and Roll beats. The saccharine of the beginning few seconds stems from the song title being about an angel. Angels are characterized as pure and good. The person Harry is singing about is both good and bad. She is a kind soul but she can be bad in an exciting way for Harry.

Open up your eyes, shut your mouth and see 

Harry is being a little saucy here - telling his lover to shut up. It's bad and exciting.

That I'm still the only one who's been in love with me 

This line reminds me of The 1975. In their song, "The Sound," they sing, "It's not about reciprocation, it's just all about me," which is similar because both artists are being selfish. I know Harry Styles and One Direction do get inspired by The 1975 (One Direction was even accused of copying from them! *GASP*).

I'm just happy getting you stuck in between my teeth
And there's nothing I can do about it 

I have reacted to this line already here.

Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door
I got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor 

These lines remind me of Meet Me In The Hallway. Harry is pleading with his lover to stay and be with him. The person Harry is talking about is very enticing and may be playing hard to get - and Harry is falling for it with reckless abandon.

Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short
But I think that's what I like about it

Once again, Harry is emphasizing that this girl is bad in an exciting way.

I must admit I thought I'd like to make you mine
As I went about my business through the warning signs
End up meeting in the hallway every single time
And there's nothing we can do about it
Told it to her brother and she told it to me
That she's gonna be an angel, just you wait and see
When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets
And there's nothing she can do about it

He even mentions meeting in the hallway here! This song does have a lot of connections with  Meet Me In The Hallway. Here Harry is recognizing this girl's good and bad side. She's an angel but she's also a "devil in between the sheets" - that's what makes her so cool.

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Every Song Off Taylor Swift's reputation album RANKED [Track-by-Track Review] Part 2

I am ranking EVERY song off of Taylor Swift's album reputation. Click here to read Part 2, which lists Taylor's bottom 7 songs. Now let's get started with Taylor's top 8 songs off this album.

8) Delicate

This song perfectly captures how it feels to be unsure if something is going to work out. Taylor treats her new relationship as if it is delicate and fragile so she doesn't end up ruining it. She wants to put her heart and soul into the relationship but is holding back. It's a good song musically and sounds great while driving (similar to 1989's "Style"). It's a little similar to, "So It Goes," as Taylor sings in a soft voice. But here, her use of a soft voice matches the name of the song, "Delicate."

I love the line, "We can't make any promises now, can we babe?/But you can make me a drink." It's a line you can use when the entire world around you is in flames and all you can do is cherish the present. Taylor's lover is spending time with her now and she enjoys it; she doesn't need to bring up the future.

About the lyrics: "My reputation's never been worse so he must like me for me" - I feel like even when Taylor's reputation was at it's worst, she still was rich and powerful so there could still be some insincere reasons why someone would want to date her.

Favorite Lyrics: Sometimes I wonder when you sleep/Are you ever dreaming of me?/Sometimes when I look into your eyes/I pretend you're mine, all the damn time/'Cause I like you

7) End Game 

This song is so fun!!! I love singing along to, "BIG REPUTATION BIG REPUTATION OOOO YOU AND ME WE GOT BIG REPUTATIONS AHHH." I like how she mentions she's got big enemies like she's happy about it. I enjoy the line, "You like the bad ones too," because pop culture usually only says girls like bad boys. But in reality, boys like bad girls as well, and Taylor's proud to be one. There are some GREAT lines in this song. "And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em," and "I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me," which I already made fun of here. I basically love Taylor's entire "rap" verse. To be honest, when it comes to Future and Ed Sheeran, neither do a GREAT job with their verses. My favorite parts are all Taylor.

One cool thing to point out is that "A Team" is a reference to Ed Sheeran's song "The A Team."

I have no idea WHO this song is about as "you and me, we got big reputations," doesn't make sense when it comes to Joe Alwyn as he isn't that popular. Sadly, whoever this song is about, he was NOT Taylor's end game.

Favorite Lyrics: "And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em."

6) Dress

Taylor Swift does a good job at writing a sexy song here. I mentioned in my So It Goes review that her sexy lyrics there sounded forced. Here, it makes sense. I like how she sets up the scene by singing "All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation/My hands are shaking from holding back from you." The anticipation she describes is what makes the payoff of the chorus so good. I like her "ah ah ah"s which I am guessing is supposed to mimic sex sounds but it sounds sensual and nice.

I like how in one of the last verses she pauses after singing, "Say my name and everything just stops." It's similar to how Harry Styles in "Two Ghosts," pauses after "heart" and "beat." 

Favorite Lyrics: "All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation/My hands are shaking from holding back from you."

5) New Year's Day

I read somewhere from another reviewer that this is Taylor's worst acoustic/slow song and I've got to agree. "Clean," and "All Too Well," and, "Dear John," are much better songs. But reputation, is a dark album and I enjoy the light this song brings to the listener. It's simple and sweet. I like the contrast between "midnight," and "New Year's Day," - one representing  passion and the other representing stability. 

I love LOVE love the following line:

Favorite Lyrics: Please don't ever become a stranger/who's laugh I could recognize anywhere

These lyrics remind me of a Speak Now song called, "Enchanted" where she sings, "Please don't be in love with someone else." It's the use of "Please" and because both take place in the refrain that makes it so similar. This goes back to what I said in Part 1, Taylor might have written so many songs that she is starting to accidentally use her old lyrics. The old Taylor is definitely NOT dead.

4) Gorgeous

Gorgeous was the first song off reputation that I really liked. Taylor released this song as her 3rd promotional single and I thought it was hilarious. Taylor Swift is at her best when she is relateable.  What's more relatable than not being able to talk to your crush because you like them so much? Here, Taylor goes back to her roots. Singing songs about boys that any teenage girl can relate to. It's a funny song ("Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats") and the music sounds good.

Favorite Lyrics: You should take it as a compliment/That I'm talking to everyone here but you

^^^ That's a classic "me" move.

3) This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Now we get into the good stuff. The top 3 songs on this list are songs that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I LOVE THESE THREE SONGS SOOOO MUCH.

I love everything about this song. I love how it starts with Taylor Swift enjoying her money and fame and being open to the world - and ends with it all crashing down. I love the imagery of her parties - "swimming in a champagne sea." I love how "this is why we can't have nice things" is something a parent would say to a misbehaving child. It's got so much sass for Kanye and Kim.

Favorite Lyrics:

It was so nice being friends again 

There I was, giving you a second chance 

But then you stabbed in the back while shaking my hand 

And therein lies the issue 

Friends don't try to trick you 

Get you on the phone and mind-twist you 

And so I took an axe to a mended fence

I love this verse because I can relate to it so much because I went through a friendship back-stabbing as well.  I love the imagery of "I took an axe to a mended fence."

Favorite Lyrics (again): "And here's to my real friends." and "And here's to my mama/had to listen to all this drama."

I love this part. In tough times like these, you gotta cherish REAL friends and of course, your mother who will be there for you when you are at rock bottom. When I heard the "And here's to my mama/had to listen to all this drama," I screamed because that may be the most relateable Taylor Swift line for me to date. I can't relate to "here's to my baby," but I'm glad Taylor has some more sources of support.

Also, it's an excellent sounding song!

2) I Did Something Bad

This song is such a good diss track (to I'm guessing Kanye West and Calvin Harris?) "If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing/I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming" is such a powerful line. I love how she says "man," like he means nothing to him (when men are associated with being powerful and strong; I love how she flips the script). "I can feel flames on my skin," I love the imagery of destruction and and running away from something painful. 

"They're burning all the witches" and "so light me up Light Me Up LIGHT ME UP." It's so powerful how she's not afraid of being burned - how she willingly accepts the flames. She sounds so forceful and strong - I am in LOVE with this song.

"I Did Something Bad" makes me want to recreate Beyonce's Hold Up music video. I want to walk down a street with a baseball bat just destroying stuff with this song playing in the background. There are even sound effects in the song that sounds like hitting stuff. I just love the crazy but powerful revenge feelings this song exemplifies. 

Favorite Lyrics: EVERYTHING I LISTED ABOVE

1) Getaway Car

This is the most artistic and poetic song on the album and that's why it is first place! The metaphor of the getaway car is done so beautifully. We met me in a getaway car and now I am going to leave you in a getaway car. I hope this song gets a music video because it's going to be epic. Seeing Taylor getting chased, and then betraying her lover. I love every part of this song. I love the part where she describes the MET gala where she met Tom Hiddleston ("The ties were black, the lies were white"). I love the part where Calvin Harris runs after Hiddleswift and Taylor shots, "Go, Go, Go." Taylor got her start in country music and my favorite country music songs are the ones that tell a story. This one tells a really interesting story. I even like the last few seconds where she sings "I was RIDING in a getaway car. I was CRYING in a getaway car I was DYING in a getaway car Said GOODBYE in a getaway car," - these last few lines have a lot of emotion.

The chorus sounds great while driving probably because the song is about a car ("we were flying!")

Favorite Lyrics: "No, nothing good starts in a getaway car." <- Taylor starts the song off with this excellent thesis statement.

Favorite Lyrics: "A Circus Isn't a Love Story."

Favorite Lyrics: "Cause us traitors never win."

Thanks for reading my review. If you'd like to go back to Part 1  of the review click here. Please let me know if you agree or disagree with my rankings. How would you rank the songs off of Taylor's album? Let me know in the comments - I'd love to hear from you!

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Every Song Off Taylor Swift's reputation album RANKED [Track-by-Track Review] Part 1

Taylor Swift's reputation Review

On Friday, November 10th 2017, Taylor Swift released her 6th album reputation. I'm a HUGE Taylor Swift fan. Since then, I have been listening to reputation every day on my hour-long commute to work. About a week has passed so I am ready to share my opinions about it with a track-by-track ranking of each song on the album.

15) So It Goes

Last place goes to So It Goes. I have heard this song many times in the last week but I cannot tell you what it's about. It's a forgettable song. Taylor sings the chorus in a soft, muted tone where it sounds like even she is bored. The words, "so it goes," implies sadly conceding to the boring reality in front of us. I assume, "So It Goes," is a love song so why is Taylor not excited and happy about her love for this guy? She also sprinkles sexy lyrics like "scratches down your back," and, "You know I'm not a bad girl, but I do bad things with you." When I listen to those lyrics, they just sound forced - like she put them there just to make this boring song edgier. I don't feel that way about "Dress, "which I think is a much better song.

Favorite Lyrics: You did a number on me/But, honestly, baby, who's counting?/I did a number on you/But, honestly, baby, who's counting?

14) Look What You Made Me Do

This was the first song Taylor released from reputation and almost everyone HATED IT. I agreed that it just wasn't a good song. Musically, it sounds cheap especially because of the Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy sample used in such a weird context. Taylor Swift has a bad habit of choosing the WORST songs for singles (like Bad Blood and Shake It Off are her WORST songs from 1989). I do like the beginning verses of the song - it's just when it hits the chorus that my brain gets turned off. The lyrics are true pop - boring, repetitive, and meaningless.  

The lyrics also contain a lot of childish lines. It's been pointed out that, "Look what you made me do" is something abusive people say. That's what is interesting about this song - it reminds me both of my abusers and myself. As I talked about in my post about Taylor's If You're Anything Like Me Poem, I went through something similar last year when my friends stabbed me in the back in a gruesome way. When my ex-friends hurt me, they said that I was the one who made them do it. However, the lyrics "Locked me out and threw a feast," reminds me of myself and how hurt I felt so it goes both ways.

Also, what did we make Taylor do? Release this song? Re-invent her image? What did she do to Kanye or Kim? The chorus is so vague. 

"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now.Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead!" is cringey but also funny. Taylor Swift is pretty funny.

Favorite Lyrics: "Maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours."

13) Don't Blame Me

As a huge fan of the TV show Crazy Ex Girlfriend, I am wary of depictions of "crazy in love." This song feels like a cliché. Yeah, yeah, you want a love that makes you crazy. Hunter Hayes sang that 4 years ago. The only reason this song is so high on the list is because at least the music sounds good even though I may not like the lyrical matter. She sounds so happy being addicted to her drug of choice - love and her baby. But I hate addictions - they really take a toll on mental health and so I can't get behind that sentiment. 

Favorite Lyrics: "I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy." - Looks like someone was reading The Great Gatsby.

12) ...Ready For It

My biggest problem with Taylor's new musical style is that I don't like the EDM sound. There are too many random sound effects which makes it sound in-cohesive and cheesy. I think the producer of this song tried too hard to incorporate EDM elements. I do like the "dot dot dot" sounds in the beginning because it at least makes sense with the title of the song. I do like the lyrical content in some places. For example, the line "And he can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor," is a clever, punny line. (She is referring to Elizabeth Taylor but her name is Taylor too!) Also, I like how this song accomplishes what it set out to do. It gets us excited for a new romance.

The lines, "In the middle of the night, in my dreams/You should see the things we do, baby," remind me of an older Taylor Swift song. She's written so many songs that maybe she's accidentally started using the same lyrics LOL. In Taylor Swift's song "Untouchable" from Fearless, she sings "In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream. It's like a million little stars spelling out your name." The first line is almost exactly the same!

I read somewhere, maybe on Tumblr, that the line "Touch me and you'll never be alone," has a double meaning. It also means that if you start a romance with Taylor, your life will change and the paparazzi will always be with you - a much more heartbreaking interpretation. 

Favorite Lyrics: "And he can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor."

11) Call It What You Want

This song sounds good and there are some great lines. The lyrics that touch me the most are, "I brought a knife to a gunfight," "Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night," and "Would you run away with me? Yes".  What I don't like about this song is how Taylor tries to convince us she isn't the naive girl dreaming of "fairy-tale" love but that's exactly how she sounds in this song. She is saying that her current boyfriend is saving her from the darkness she is currently experiencing. She's basically saying, "Yes, my reputation got ruined but at least I have a boyfriend who loves me!!!" which I find a little childish. Maybe I am a little salty because I went through some back-stabbing heartbreak, but I don't have a boyfriend to show off. So that is where I stop relating to the song.

About the lyrics: "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck/Chain round my neck/Not because he owns me." I mean, no one was thinking he owned you until you said it, and now it is awkward.

Favorite Lyrics: "Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night."

10) King of My Heart

This song is fun! Calling herself an, "American Queen," and pronouncing "Jaguars," the way she does makes this song an upbeat, good time. It's way better than "So It Goes," because she is celebrating her love and seeming genuinely excited about it. King of My Heart also doesn't mention her tarnished reputation, which is a relief because sometimes it doesn't fit in with the theme of the song. 

The lyrics, "Is this end of all the endings?" worry me. With my Target Taylor Swift Magazine, I got a poster that said the same line, but unfortunately I cannot relate to that line and have never felt what it is saying. Is she aware that EVERYTHING ends? Even if Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn end up married, unfortunately there will be an end (death). Also, you shouldn't be SO scared of endings. Sometimes things end and it's for the best. But I understand the sentiment of these lyrics: she is so excited and hopeful that this relationship will last.

Favorite Lyrics: "My broken bones are mending."

9) Dancing With Our Hands Tied

I like this song because it reminds me of 1989. Some of the love songs on reputation sound too naive; Taylor is TOO sure that Joe is awesome and their love is great. In 1989, she would talk about how her relationship with Harry Styles was passionate but complicated. I thought it was nice that Taylor discussed the good and bad sides of love. Here she does the same thing, Taylor says she is in love with this person but is worried that the world (media) will break them up. It's interesting to note that I have no idea WHO this song is about!! But it looks like she was right when she sang, "I had a bad feeling," because she goes to mention that, "I'd hold you as the water rushes in/If I could dance with you again." This implies that the relationship did end and she misses him.

Favorite Lyrics: "So, baby, can we dance? Oh, through an avalanche?"

Every Song Off Taylor Swift's reputation album RANKED [Track-by-Track Review] Part 2

Thanks for reading my review! These are just the 15th - 9th place songs. Please click here to read Part 2 where I discuss the top 8 best reputation songs.

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Crazy Ex Girlfriend Rant: New York City Is Closer To The Beach Than West Covina

In season one of Crazy Ex Girlfriend, we hear Rebecca say constantly that she moved to West Covina because she is a "beach gal" and she wanted to be near the beach. I also remember Greg Serrano saying, "We're 4 hours from the beach, I know people say it's 2 but those people are dumb." I live near NYC (Jersey Girl), and during the summer months people go to the Jersey Shore almost every weekend. To me, being four hours from the beach is wayyyy too much. That's why I decided to investigate.

NYC Time Square to the Beach

According to Google Maps, from Times Square to Coney Island, it would take you 41 minutes to get to the beach.

West Covina to the Beach

According to Google Maps, from West Covina to Santa Monica, it would take you 53 minutes to get to the beach.

Looks like NYC is closer to the beach than West Covina by 10 minutes. I wonder why the Crazy Ex Girlfriend cast didn't do their research on this? They keep on saying it is ATLEAST 2 hours from the beach, and four in traffic. I can't imagine it taking four hours to drive the above distance. If you live in Southern California and can shed light on this subject, please let me know in the comments or on my social media as I am interested in why the writers were so wrong about this.

I've heard that Southern California culture is impacted by the beach. They are wayyyy more relaxed and chill compared to New Yorkers. I've heard that East Coast culture is much more busy and cut-throat than West Coast culture so maybe that is why the writers mention the closeness to the beach so much.

But come on Rebecca, you need to relax on the beach after being a high strung New York lawyer? Go to Coney Island, or Staten Island, or even the Jersey Shore! Don't move all the way to West Covina LOL

Anyway, thanks for coming along this (unnecessary) investigative journey!

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In my previous blog post, I wrote about how I think Rebecca has Borderline Personality Disorder and I was indeed correct! *pats self on the back* AND my article did the same thing the show did - list out the signs of BPD and give examples to how Rebecca met those signs. CXG writers and I - we think similarly!

Source: The CW & itsbriankinney

Josh is officially irrelevant. If you look at the future titles for this season, the pattern of always having Josh's name is now over. Next episode is called, "Getting Over Jeff" which will be a Paula centered episode (and is also the mid season finale and also airs in 3 weeks on Dec 8 boo).

It's always darkest before the dawn. Last episode, I was in tears at Rebecca's suicide attempt and now everything seems so rosy! The song, "A Diagnosis," was cheery and fun and hopeful. And now, I see such a hopeful future for Rebecca. I know there are a lot more episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend to come so I know it can't be smooth sailing from here on out but I'm glad Rebecca knows her diagnosis and is taking steps to heal.

I'm glad they made a point to say, "Suicide isn't caused by one person or event; it's because of mental illness." Take that, 13 Reasons Why.


Nathaniel's story really shed a light on his character. He almost had a panic attack whenever he thought about his mom's suicide attempt so we can see he is also affected by mental issues. I also now know WHY Nathaniel likes Rebecca. As they repeat many times during this show and also said during "Maybe She's Not A Heinous Bitch," - "When we're finding a mate, it's our parents we're thinking of." Rebecca reminds Nathaniel of his mom!!

This episode is the first time I have hope that Rebecca and Nathaniel are end game. Nathaniel was so sweet after her suicide attempt. That last scene with him leaving roses at her door was so adorable!! He was finally able to write a heartfelt note to her (after trying so many times to find the right words).  I think maybe Rebecca will learn how to love healthily through her BPD treatment and Nathaniel will also deal with his own issues and in the end, maybe they will end up together!

In conclusion, my main takeaway from this episode was HOPE. I am so excited for a beautiful future for everyone the show.

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How Taylor Swift's "If You're Anything Like Me" reputation Poem Helped Me Heal

To be honest, I am going through a Taylor Swift phase because her new album reputation has just been released. On the internet, I came across one of the LOVELY poems Taylor wrote for her Target Magazines and I fell in love with it. I fell so much in love with it that I actually bought the magazine. I wanted to talk about my favorite part of the poem "If You're Anything Like Me"

And no amount of friends at 25
Will fill the empty seats
At the lunch tables of your past
The teams that picked you last...
But Darling, you keep trying.

If you're anything like me,
You couldn't recognize the face of love
Until they stripped you of your shiny paint
Threw your victory flag away
And you saw the ones who wanted you anyway...
Darling, later on you will thank your stars
for that frightful day.

If you're anything like me,
I'm sorry.

But Darling, it's going to be okay.

I haven't talked about it on my blog yet - but I will soon - that I, too, have been betrayed and hurt by my friends. That is why I can relate to much of Taylor Swift's new material. I can relate to "here's to my real friends," and "here's to my mama," and, "I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em," but most of all, I can relate to this poem.

Taylor titled the poem, "If You're Anything Like Me." And I want to say- I am very much like her. And not because I "bite my nails" or "laugh when I'm nervous" as written in the first stanza (you can see the full poem here.) I'm sure everyone does those things. I am like Taylor because I am sensitive,  I am insecure, and I also put my trust in people who ended up using it to hurt me.

"empty seats at lunch tables" can bring up a friendship betrayal I experienced 10 years ago. And 10 years later, I am still in a similar situation. Last year, I could recognize that I was hanging out with the "cool" people at work. I remember thinking to myself - huh, do I really belong here? But I didn't push the question further. I said yes to outings that weren't fun for me and made me feel like an outsider. Those people didn't care about me. And when my friends stabbed me so violently in the back - I could finally see it. I could finally break free and make a vow to hang out with only those people who made an effort to care about me.

Maybe when I was hanging out with the <quote>cool people.<unqote>, I had the victory flag in my hands and was doused in the shiny paint. I was like "look, I am not lame like I was in high school! I am normal and I have friends *cue Crazy Ex Girlfriend's song I Have Friends*" But then my friends stabbed me in the back and took that victory flag away. And I was left with my friend count cut in half. But in that moment, I realized this was the real me. I will never be that popular, cool girl. That's when I realized which friends really loved me (saw the face of love). And one year later, maybe I am happy for that frightful day. I wish I had realized these friends were no good for me sooner and without such back-stabbings, but alas. I think I will recognize it better in the future.

Taylor telling me that she is sorry for the pain I am experiencing comforts me. Even though she doesn't know my struggles, it's nice to think she understands and is also going through something similar. I also like how she tells me that it's going to be okay. There is hope. She and I are both resilient. We will find our place in the world.

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Why I Think Crazy Ex Girlfriend's Rebecca Bunch Has Borderline Personality Disorder

As mentioned in the following tweet, it looks like Rebecca Bunch's mental illness will be diagnosed next episode!

That is the next episode

— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) November 11, 2017

It's four days before the episode so I wanted to jot down my thoughts on Rebecca's mental illness. Before I start, I want to say that mental illnesses are linked with each other so many times people can have multiple diagnoses linked to them. I think it's very obvious that Rebecca has Depression and Anxiety. The "not so talked about" mental illness I think she has is Borderline Personality Disorder.

Depression: Rebecca was so drawn to the "Are You Happy?" Butter ad because she was deeply unhappy. When her "quack" psychiatrist in NY gave her such emotion-numbing pills, it made her feel nothing. Depression can make people feel empty, and these pills probably increased her emptiness. Right before Rebecca's suicide attempt, she was severely depressed. She didn't wash her hair/bathe, and didn't care about what was happening in the outside world. A symptom of depression is loosing interest in things that you used to care about. She also slept A LOT which is another symptom of Depression. She felt hopeless because she felt she had severely burned all her bridges and she didn't have anything to look forward to. On the plane, she mentioned that she felt too tired to do ANYTHING; fatigue is also another symptom.

Anxiety: Her anxiety can be seen in the song "We Tapped That Ass," where the ghosts of her too ex-boyfriends haunt her. Anxiety can also be seen manifested in Young Rebecca after she reveals all her secrets to Josh at the church. You can see her walking into her job talking to herself, distracted, and visible anxious.

Borderline Personality Disorder: This is a very interesting disorder. Google defines the disorder as "A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships." I am not great at explaining the mental illnesses so I will just list some symptoms and explain how they relate to our dear Rebecca. These symptoms come from HelpGuide.com

Fear of Abandonment: Rebecca has a fear of abandonment due to her father and Robert leaving her. It is also based on her mother who wasn't a stable, loving figure. People with BPD desperately do whatever they can to stop the abandonment. For example, Rebecca tried so hard to make her father love her all through her life, She also impulsively believed she was pregnant to convince Josh to stay when she felt him drifting away from her.

Unstable Relationships: HelpGuide.com states, "People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed." Need I say more? This is exactly the premise of the show.

Unclear or unstable self-image: Rebecca does have an unstable self-image and you see that in her songs. One second she is singing about how she is the "Villain in her own story" or a "Stupid Bitch." The next she is singing about how two men are in love with her in "Love Triangle." The reason why she moved all the way to West Covina is because she wanted to change her image as a ruthless, unhappy lawyer to a happy, beach gal.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors: HelpGuide.com states, "If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset." Case in point: Rebecca sleeping with Greg's dad impulsively because she was upset Josh never wanted to see her again. Honestly, I think Rebecca's impulsiveness is one of the most glaring symptom of whatever mental illness she does have. Rebecca impulsively spends money whether its putting 10,000 in a car to win a case or spending 10,000 to move up her wedding. She impulsively kisses (Nathaniel) or sleeps with people (Greg's Dad) even when she knows she should not. She impulsively yells at Josh in front of a church and reveals all her secrets which damages her in the end.

Self-harm: suicide attempt.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality: Being out of touch with reality can be seen in how Rebecca does go into a fantasy world and imagines all these musical numbers. In addition, we saw real paranoia and suspicion when her friends did that intervention in S2E5. She accused Nathaniel of scheming with her friends behind her back which is a really huge jump (and also not true!) She also impulsively and quickly assumed that her friends wanted nothing to do with her after learning about her Robert's history. She assumed that her friends and mom were scheming to put her into a mental institution. She assumed that the no longer loved or cared about her.

In conclusion, these are my feelings towards Rebecca's diagnosis. I'm sure whatever Rachel and Aline have researched for Rebecca will be the true diagnosis, but I just want to let you know my thoughts!

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Taylor Swift: "I Swear I Don't Love The Drama, It Loves Me" Reaction

* Another Me, Myself, and the Moon Original Meme
** "I Swear I Don't Love The Drama, It Loves Me Reaction" is a lyric from her new song End Game on her new album reputation.
*** I swear I love Taylor!

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I Never Want to See Josh Again: Crazy Ex Girlfriend S3E5 Review

That was painful. That was horrendously painful. When Rebecca's mom stole her laptop and showed us, the viewers, Rebecca looking up ways to kill herself, my stomach just dropped. I was in shock. I was filled with anxiety and sadness. Even though that clue was glaring, I still had no idea that Rebecca would attempt suicide. On the plane, even when she was holding the bottle of anxiety pills and looking at it suspiciously, I STILL had no idea she would actually do it. I guess I was just hopeful. This is a fun, musical, quirky show. And yes, it does have serious moments that address mental illness, but I didn't think they would go THAT far.

I'm just so sad. I feel so badly for Rebecca. But we know she survives as evidenced by the promo so at least the is a relief (I guess there is no way she could have died as she is the main character of the show).

The "Help" sign turning into the "Hope" sign was interesting. Because don't they mean the same thing? A person at rock bottom asking for help is a hopeful thing to do. I guess she was only prompted to ask for Help when she realized there was hope for her life to get better.

Photo Credit: The CW & https://bunchofbloom.tumblr.com/

Why didn't Rebecca even try to talk to her friends? They would have showed her that they still cared. Why didn't Rebecca ask for forgiveness instead of thinking that she ruined her life forever? I mean ask for forgiveness and if they don't forgive you, then you can worry.

Since this episode was rock bottom for her, at least the rest of the season will be moving in a good direction. She will get help for her mental illness and that's great!! The creators on twitter even mentioned that she will be diagnosed next episode.

That is the next episode

— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) November 11, 2017

When it comes to my predictions, I was wrong and right. Rebecca's mom was acting nice to commit her into a mental institution against Rebecca's consent. I was wrong because the real reason why this episode was so emotional was because of the suicide attempt.

When I saw Rachel Bloom's tweet about how emotional this episode will be and for us to prepare, my reaction was BRING IT ON I WANT TO FEEL EMOTIONAL. The suicide attempt, however, was not what I wanted. It wasn't emotional in a good way - the way Rebecca recognizing her feelings and working through them is. I do believe next episode will be emotional in a good way so I'm excited for next week.

Heinous Bitch: Not one of my favorite songs. I probably won't be listening to it again. Why? Because I love my mom and I think she is great! (I suppose I am lucky). I guess I can't relate to it.

About Rebecca's mom, I thought she was sweet. Yeah, drugging someone without their consent IS bad. It feels like you aren't control of your body. AND it's a breech of trust. However, Rebecca's mom did do it with love. She wanted Rebecca to NOT attempt suicide. When Rebecca found out about the pills in the strawberry milkshake, she FREAKED out. She assumed that the only reason she was feeling better and thinking her mom was nice was because of the pills. However, Rebecca's mom was ALSO being nice to her without the pills. They were doing crossword puzzles, playing games, wearing matching outfits. Rebecca's mom did make an effort to be nice. If only she would do that all the time and not just when she thought Rebecca was gonna kill herself.

I Feel Like This Isn't About Me: Corneilia was the foil for Rebecca and also the comedic relief in this episode. I liked her. I liked all the associates of White Feather projecting all their feelings onto her. Maya is totes me as a woke millennial.

It was sweet that we found out exactly why Nathaniel likes Rebecca. He likes her because she challenges his worldview. He likes her because she's not afraid to be different and to put her work second and her happiness first.

I also liked the subplot of Paula and her depression. She does have a loving family!! Her sons were ok with playing a girly board game with her! That's true love! And in the end, it seemed like they both enjoyed the game and were into it. Her husband was also sweet by being there for her when she needed it the most.

Next episode will be emotional. EVERY character in West Covina will have to deal with their emotions surrounding Rebecca. And Rebecca will have to deal with her emotions surrounding her suicide attempt. I can't wait for it!. According to the following tweet, there will even be an emotional song that has NO COMEDIC ELEMENTS. That's a first.

There is a song coming up next week that Rachel (with Adam and Jack) wrote that I think is amazing and made me cry (in a good way) every time.

— Aline Brosh McKenna (@alinebmckenna) November 11, 2017

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Predictions for S3 Episode 5 of Crazy Ex Girlfriend One Hour Before Premiere

Just wanted to jot some thoughts I had about the next episode (S3E5: I Never Want to See Josh Again)  of my favorite show Crazy Ex Girlfriend an hour before it premieres.

In the promo, you see Rebecca's mom acting suspiciously nice to her. So nice that even Audra Lavine is questioning it and asking Rebecca to figure out why. When I saw this, I immediately thought the reason why Rebecca's mom is being so nice to her is because she wants to turn Rebecca back into New York Rebecca. Rebecca's mom wants to control her again. She wants her to go back to, as Dr. Akopian stated, "that quack of a psychiatrist" that prescribed her so many emotion numbing pills. She wants her to work hard for her career again and become a rich partner in a law firm.

When I realized this, I immediately thought: Rebecca will figure out what her mom is doing and stop her. She won't let her turn her back into her old self.

But now I am thinking: what if she doesn't?

On twitter, Rachel Bloom tweeted:

Hi friends, tonight's #CrazyExGirlfriend is pretty emotionally intense. Just wanted to give everyone the head's up.

— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) November 10, 2017

This worries me. What if Rebecca Bunch will be put into a mental health facility against her will? Can that even happen? That will make me really sad. As Heather stated, you shouldn't try to find someone who doesn't want to be helped. The creators did say Rebecca will be diagnosed this season. I was just hoping it would be on her terms.

Hopefully, Rachel Bloom is just talking about the emotional manipulation her mom will pull on her. I really hope Rebecca is strong enough to pull through this time.

Looking For Alaska: John Green Does Have A Thing For The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Time to review the third and final John Green book I borrowed from the library! Overall, I liked Looking For Alaska. It was not very plot driven which is good for a book! It means the books explores more themes and messages. This is the reason why I don't see it as a good movie (though I think a movie was in the works for this book). Most of this book is Pudge trying to meet new people, make friends, and fit in. Another part of this book is pranks and getting in trouble, and smoking and being a quote-unquote teenager. I liked seeing Pudge make sense of his teenager-world.

At the end of the book, I do think Pudge did find the Great Perhaps. He found friends, adventure, and heartbreak. Everything was not fun and games which is how life is meant to be lived. 

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl: I've read 3 John Green books now: Looking For Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, and Paper Towns. All three books have one thing in common: a manic pixie dream girl. It's true: John Green does humanize the girl; each one has their own set of flaws. Sometimes, I look at these flaws and I'm just like "ew, why does he like her?" Most of these girls are a bit pretentious and mean to the guy, which is fine, it is necessary. However, all three of these girls are plot devices to help the main character understand the world; which I guess is fine too. But after 3 books, this trope does get boring. 

In both Looking for Alaska and Paper Towns, the main character gets sucked into a mystery about what happened to the girl. In Paper Towns, he tries to find out where she is and if she is alive. In Looking for Alaska, he tries to find out how and why she died. If I had read Looking for Alaska before Paper Towns, I would have thought "no way did Margo die, the girl already died in Looking for Alaska." I am glad Paper Towns had a different ending. It's sad how in both these books, the two girls end up dead or never being able to resolve their flaws and issues. I guess these books weren't their stories, so they end up the same. Maybe one day John Green can write about the flawed Manic Pixie Dream Girl finding solutions for her problems and being able to live in this vastly difficult world.

Rating: 2/5
Completed: October 26, 2017

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Sweet Creature, a lyrical analysis from Harry Styles the album

Sweet Creature, Song Meaning and Lyrical Interpretation

Ahh, Sweet Creature, my least favorite song from Harry's album as mentioned in my Track-By-Track Review. This song sounds the most One Direction out of all of Harry's songs. (Don't get me wrong - I like One Direction! There's just something boring about this song.)

Sweet creature
Had another talk about where it's going wrong
But we're still young
We don't know where we're going
But we know where we belong

Oh, we started
Two hearts in one home
It's hard when we argue
We're both stubborn I know, but oh 

In a lot of Harry's songs, he mentions relationship troubles - like in Meet Me In The Hallway and Two Ghosts. And similar to those songs, Harry has hope that he and his partner belong together and they should figure out a way to resolve their problems.

Sweet Creature is an interesting phrase. "Sweet" makes sense because Harry loves and enjoys spending time with his partner. "Creature" is what makes the phrase odd. It's almost like Harry finds this person foreign and weird. Maybe Harry just cannot understand this person like he wants to. Though Harry's partner may be a mystery to him, he still loves and cherishes her so he wants to keep fighting for the relationship.

"I always think about you and how we don't speak enough." This line is similar to Meet Me In The Hallway's "We don't talk about it/It's something we don't do." This line is also similar to Two Ghosts' "Cause we don't say what we really mean." Harry and his lover have major communication problems that they need to address. "We're both stubborn I know." He thinks maybe their youth inhibits their ability to be mature adults and talk it out.

Still, Harry thinks they belong together as evidenced by them being "Two hearts in one home," and how his partner "brings him home" when he's run out of road. This song sounds gentle and sweet in nature because that is how Harry feels about this person.

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Josh's Ex-Girlfriend Is Crazy: Crazy Ex Girlfriend S3E4 Review

WOW.

This TV show is so good that after every episode I'm reeling, spinning - flooded with emotions I cannot comprehend. I hope this show does not slow down - I hope it continues making such high caliber TV that every episode I am shook.

Rebecca Intentionally Hurts All Her Friends: Those first few minutes of this episode were scary.  When Rebecca took down each and every one of her friends with such harsh words. I was clutching my pillow even though the horror movie part of the show hadn't stared! WOW. Rebecca still cannot believe that her friends love her. That's why she pushes them away when they try to show her love and caring. I thought Rebecca was pretty correct about Paula, Heather, and Darryl. Rebecca was VERY wrong about Valencia when she said Valencia threw her dream wedding for her just because no one will love her. Valencia was doing Rebecca a huge favor by planning her wedding and then Rebecca uses it against her.

Rebecca is correct that White Josh doesn't want to have a baby with Darryl. Rebecca is also correct that Paula is also, in her own way, a little crazy and that she neglects her family. But then again, to bring up some The Awakening Kate Chopin vibes, Paula does want a life outside of just being a mother and she should be able to have that. I guess she just needs to find a balance. AND STOP PUTTING TRACKING DEVICES IN HER FRIENDS. LMAO.

Swimchan: I have never watched the movie that Rebecca was trying to replicate (Swimfan). I have only watched one horror movie in my life and I wasn't scared watching it. But I've got to say, I was ACTUALLY scared when Rebecca was trying to scare Josh. Joseph Kahn is very good at what he does and I'm glad he was able to make this episode so horror movie-like with his directing skills. Josh Chan was a great victim, and Rebecca a great villain. I was clutching my pillow the whole time.

That scene near the construction pit was expertly done. Josh Chan is correct in saying he never wants to see Rebecca again. Pretending to kidnap his mom is too far. But you can also see Rebecca's side; Josh never gave her an explanation. He just abandoned her. And now, Josh will probably never give Rebecca and explanation.

Heather and Hector: I am so here for this! THEY LOOK SO CUTE TOGETHER. I hope they make a good couple and I hope Heather doesn't just use him to run away from her problems. I don't think she will though. She mentioned she will work hard to figure out her life after community college.

Rebecca Sleeping With Greg's Dad: RIDICULOUS. Absolutely NUTS. Also, let's not just yell at Rebecca. Let's also yell at Greg's dad. WHY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SON'S EX GIRLFRIEND. wrong-o. Like he said, everyone's a little crazy. I could write an essay about this, but what I will say is: the writers did this so all hopes of the Rebecca/Greg will be dashed. Rebecca is not right for Greg. She will only ruin him. It truly was a shit show.

The End of The Movie feat. Josh Groban: I could also write an essay about this. I probably will write a blog post just about this one song. This song touched me. I could really relate to it as well because I am also always trying to make sense of my life. But LIFE DOESN'T MAKE NARRATIVE SENSE. I will probably be repeating that to myself for a couple of weeks after this episode. If I do write that blog post about this song, I will post a link here.

Favorite Line:

"Josh is more a symbol of effortless normalcy from which you always felt excluded." - a great thesis statement for the show. A great deconstruction of WHY Rebecca Bunch loves Josh Chan.

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The End of the Movie REACTION

The End of the Movie 

"So this is the end of the movie,
but real life isn't a movie.
You want things to be wrapped up neatly,
the way that stories do;
You're looking for answers,
but answers aren't looking for you.
Because life is a gradual series of revelations,
that occur over a period of time.
It's not some carefully crafted story,
its a mess and we're all gonna die.
If you saw a movie that was like real life,
you'd be like "What the hell was that movie about?"
It was really all over the place,
Life doesn't make narrative sense."

IM CRYING THIS EPISODE OF CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND GAVE ME ALL THE FEELS. I'M GOING TO WATCH IT AGAIN TOMORROW AND POST MY RECAP BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL SONG. IT'S SO TRUE.

LIFE DOESN'T MAKE NARRATIVE SENSE

- S3E4 Crazy Ex Girlfriend: Josh's Ex Girlfriend Is Crazy